Monkey in the middle

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This week someone asked me who I was. And I thought I knew the answer until I actually started to think about the person I truly am.

That is one of the toughest questions in the world. The question that means we have to sum up our being in only a few words. It’s difficult to answer that question automatically without some sort of thought.

I could sit here and list all the characteristics that describe me and all the activities I participate in, but does that make me who I really am?

The Christian band, Casting Crowns, explains perfectly how I feel with their song “Somewhere In The Middle.” My favorite lyric in the entire song portrays it exactly.

“Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me”

I feel like I am in the middle. I am not a horrible person, but I am no where close to perfect. Sometimes I say the right things at the right time, but most of the time I say the wrongs things at the wrong time.

I screw up things and mess up more than I do right, and most of time I find myself unable to fix the messes I make rather being able to make it all better.

Maybe this is what being a teenager is about. Maybe we are all caught in the middle. I guess others are just caught in the middle of different situations and places in life.

More often than not, I do worry about what others think of me even though I tell others they shouldn’t care. I always wonder if I am presenting myself in a manner that is truly me or am I just putting on my veil to be fake just to survive the day?

During this morning in FCA, the speaker made a great point. We segment who we are into different pieces. We are a certain way with our family, a certain with our friends, a certain way at school, a certain way with people we are close with, etc. We shouldn’t do that, though.

The older I get the more I want to realize who I am or become who I am meant to be. I don’t want to be four different persons. I just want to be one whole one.

I am Christian, a writer, a journalist, a photographer. I am definitely awkward and most definitely uncoordinated. I am an athlete. Someday, I will be a guitarist since I am learning how to play.

I am OCD. I am organized. I am the editor. I am the president of this club and that club. I am the friend that is always there. I am the shoulder to cry on. The hug that you always need.

Maybe the older I get, the more of the answer I can discover or perhaps the answer just changes as we evolve into the people God wants us to be.

I am coming to the understanding that it’s alright that I don’t know everything or that I am not what everyone thinks I should be.

Jimmy Eat World puts it in a language I can identify with.

“Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright”

Sometimes, it’s okay to be stuck in the middle. From the middle we can go one of two places: forward or backward. I want to move forward. I want to move forward and find that light that makes me shine. To find who God wants me to be.

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